First Session

So I met with Therapist today. He seems like a nice guy. he's asked me to write about my life. which means i have to revisit the past. i can clinically write about anything but i'm not sure about the emotions. Others have had messier lives than me i'm sure. of course i will write them because i said i would. i'm torn about posting them here since this is more of an open market. we'll see....

i wish.....  well i wish for a great many things. but i wont get them. Nietzsche said "that which doesn't kill you makes you stronger." But today i feel more inclined to Hobbes view point that "life is... nasty and brutish". Unlike his time our lives seem to last forever. at least mine does.

no great revelatory emotional elations today. part of me was hoping it would happen. but reality is that it will take time if ever. He asked me to define SSA and Homosexuality. I told him SSA is a politically correct term and that homosexuality is the medical definition. from his viewpoint ssa is the the feelings one has without the physical contact to make it real. and for him homosexuality is the full on complete "gay lifestyle". we may not agree on this but. i understand the need to find clarity when discussing the complexity of being gay.

i explained that i'm not looking for a cure. or hoping that one day i will wake up and find that i'm heterosexual.  he said he agreed. with that i am satisfied. i am looking to find a balance. to let my gayness sit more comfortably within the framing that i need and want it to be. i chose to be married. I continue to choose to be married heterosexually. why? because, i have a family. my gayness is not the focal point to my life nor do i want it the focus of my marriage or family.

The blessing i have from being gay are innumerable. Primarily, I see that my compassion, empathy and love for others is rooted in my attraction towards men. which isn't entirely true; it is because of the religious society and for the most part the larger society, which frowns on my sexual preference lead me to hid my sexuality and that it is within that cross roads between these cataclysmic realities is really what drives my empathy and compassion. for myself, i could not get or delve to the level that i need or want without being sexually attracted to men and desiring a relationship, whole and complete in return. so my sexuality is that cause of my compassion.

I disagree that men who are attracted to other men should marry women. it it not healthy for either. but should you find yourself in that situation. integrity demands fidelity. if you can't then leave on the best terms possible. don't look to me for being the example. it may be easier for me for a few reasons. may be i'm not as gay on the old Kinsey Scale. I see myself in and around 4.5 leaning towards 5.

I also disagree that homosexual men should live a life of celibacy, unless they willingly choose to do so. I disagree that homosexual men should be anything but promiscuous. The political/marketing side of me tells me that promiscuity is a hard sell to the mainstream public. And that promiscuity is not the new pink. not everyone does it. if the gay community wants legitimacy they have to become mainstream by having families, staying in long term monogamous relationships (married where possible) and raising healthy families. Clubbing every night, having phallic decor and being "in your face" regarding your sexuality does nothing to promote healthy relations with the majority of the population.

the LDS church has come a way from their some of their misunderstandings of homosexuality which is good. And yes, there are still a few within the church lay and hierarchy that have outdated beliefs (ie: BKP) but like a few others have said... the rhetoric from the pulpit re: homosexuality, is the same old, unquestioned way of thinking as it was prior to 1978 or the ERA movement of the early 1980s. That giving women equality outside the home would ruin families and disrupt and destroy society. Additionally they said that African people would never, ever get the priesthood. but things change.

in general people fear change. they fear growth. and they rail against that which they fear. ours are the eyes that must see differently. Act with compassion. stand up to pain and anguish of rejection and say "we are here! We must be heard!"  Thomas Jefferson declared that we must "bear in mind this sacred principle, that though the will of the majority is in all cases to prevail, that will to be rightful must be reasonable; that the minority possess their equal rights, which equal law must protect, and to violate would be oppression."