Manly-ventures and other things

to be honest, i'm not writing this blog to wax poetic or become the next Steinbeck. I write to release myself from the thoughts. to set my thoughts free and see what i may discover or possibly rediscover in the release.

anyway one of the things that have always bothered me is that i never thought myself to be very manly. until fairly recently i didn't leave my comfort zone. i did the things i did and did not go further. as such i never tried mountain biking, auto repair, plumbing or construction. granted i pretty much suck at all these things but in the recent months i've tried to be more adventurous. two weekends ago i went mountain biking with a rather adventurous twenty something. biking with him may have been the impetus to accepting the adventure in the first place but in the end it was the ride. i fell at one point in this expedition. no big injury just a scrapped up bloodied arm. i was concerned that people would mock me for not being professional... but it didnt happen. i think i will do it again.

earlier today the kitchen had plumbing problems. i never worked with plumbing. it's waay outside my expertise. but it was a challenge i wanted to try. i called a friend he came over and well after a couple hours the drains where unclogged and the pipes didn't leak. not world shattering but big for me.

marriage to a str8 woman.

i've been trying to communicate with my wife more. but one of my fears is that i would hurt her more than i have already done so. recently i read "Good bye, I love you". a biography by Carol Lynn Pearson regarding her marriage to Gerald Pearson. I relate so much to the pain Gerald experienced but at the same time i feel the pain of Carol Lyn. My wife is reading the book right now and last night she asked me if I had problems being physically intimate with women. I tried to find a soft way to answer it but in the end she looked in my eyes and knew. once again i hurt her.  nothing causes me more pain that when i hurt those whom i love. be it my children, my wife, my friends, my parents.