my parents found out about 2 Christmases ago. i had told my foster brother, whom i've know was also probably gay all my adult life, well he isn't even as close to accepting as one might think. the rat bastard told my parents. that was a miserable couple days. mother even went on to tell me she was afraid for my children because they take children away from parents who sexually abuse them. She accused ME of being a child molester! well they talk to me know, though things are still strained. I don't trust them and they obviously don't trust me. thank god i live in a different country. my own blood brother doesnt even talk to me any more. as for the rat bastard... well, he divorced his wife and left his children under the pretense that "they were messy and too hard to clean up after". that boys got problems and not admitting that he's gay is the least of them.
jaiden is 12 now. he's in middle school or jr.high or whatever they call it here. he's a good kid. alot like me in many ways. inquisitive and curious though he is obsessed with video games. his observational skills are lacking as he misses much of whats around him, though i suspect that might be a part of that age group.
naomi is 11. a voracious reader. headstrong and willful. and very much full of the middle child angst. annoying, but i love her. she's got the compassion part of things down pretty well though. Always on the honor roll. she's going places so long as i can keep her mind off of the romance of romance.
rachel is 9. angry and temperamental. sweet and lovable. talk about someone with two sides of a personality. you never know what you're going to get. school is good for her. she likes learning but on her terms. she is also the quiet one in the family. also an avid reader and loves to quote every movie, tv show and cartoon she sees/hears.
marriage is now heading into the 14th year. we've beat the average for mixed oriented marriages. we have our own routines. she has her life and i have mine. it mixes most days which is nice. but i'm not a good husband. i share the life part but i dont share all of me. i cant. i can't and don't want her hurt. so i end up being the martyr which is annoying.
i'm trying to put things together in my life. i wanna be whole. i'm beginning to wonder if it is even possible. i can't be gay and married and have a normal life.
a few weeks ago i was listening to a podcast by John Dehlin on Mormon Stories where he was interviewing Carol Lynn Pearson and she was asked as to what should a married gay person do... her answer was to make a choice or sacrifice... what are you willing to give up.. a life with a wonderful husband/boyfriend or your family. I know that some would say that was a false choice. that it really isn't a choice between those two things. but to me it is. i've seen/heard the stories of the gay fathers who left their families.... they may have some contact with their kids, but they sacrificed the day to day life of being with their kids. so i will be the martyr and sacrifice myself in order to be with my kids.
the other day we went out for dinner. as we sat at the table i watched as two guys entered the restaurant. As they stood waiting to be seated the one came in behind and held his boyfriend closely. my stomach tightened up and i was immediately jealous. it is something i seek but will never have. life is not even close to being fair.i feel like such a child when i say that life is unfair. but it is how i feel.
and i don't like it.
